3 Things I'd Love to Tell Younger Me
Inspired by gal-dem
Everyone in my life has accused me of being a shopaholic. And I’m not denying it. There’s no better way to ignore that your life is spiralling out of control than by adding something to cart. It’s not just clothes. It’s make-up, toiletries, furniture, food, books…
Books! I love hunting through bookstores for new books to read.
That’s how I found “Sofia Khan is Not Obliged”. One afternoon in St Albans, my Mumma and I headed into a Waterstone’s where I stumbled across a story about a twenty-something Brit Muslim girl discovering the weird and wonderful world of Muslim dating in London. Dubbed “the Muslim Bridget Jones”, this book is abso-fucking-lutely hilarious! There were moments when I laughed so hard I snorted, or cried, or fell over (all at the same time in one instance… not a good look FYI)
I’d never thought about it before, but this was the first time I’d read a book about a girl who was like me. A “brownie” (as my friend - Natasha - and I like to call ourselves) born and raised in London, finding their way through life like everyone else (with the addition of interfering parents, interracial relationships, and an identity crisis or two). It was refreshing. And reassuring to realise that there were stories and people out there I could relate to, find comfort in and learn from.
After I finished reading it, I became obsessed with finding more books out there that were like it. Then I discovered gal-dem’s “I Will Not be Erased… Our Stories about Growing Up as People of Colour”. They describe it as “the book we wish had existed when we were growing up” and it features a collection of letters and essays from the gal-dem community about their experiences of growing up as girls from diverse cultural or non-binary backgrounds.
Every story in there is so special. I really wish I could post the entire book back to younger Chaaya. There’s so much in there that she could learn from. But three stories really stood out and were the ones that inspired me to think “if I could tell my younger self something, what would I say…?”
So, in the spirit of gal-dem’s book, here are the three things I’d say to younger me…
Feeling confident doesn’t come from being a size zero (shocker), it comes from embracing you for you… and that includes your culture too
Inspired by: “It’s Pom-mang-granate” - Be Proud of What Makes Your Story Different”
(written by Samantha Theminimulle)
Unsurprisingly, growing up as a teen whilst size zero models reign supreme, you’ve got it in your head that if you could just lose enough weight you’ll feel SO happy with life. Really, you’ll let it consume most of your teenage years - the belief that skinny equals happiness. It doesn’t. And you realise that when you do lose weight and still feel empty (though that’s probably because you only ate one Ryvita for lunch…) You don’t understand it yet, but that fulfilment you’re looking for comes from something else. It comes from spending Friday nights with Mum and Dad watching old music videos on YouTube. That’s love. Getting to work in a role you genuinely care about. That’s passion. Meeting two awe-inspiring girls in your first job who eventually become your best friends. That’s pure joy (and maybe a little bit of luck).
It also comes from being more comfortable with, and open about, your identity. You’ve never been ashamed of being Indian, but let’s be honest, sometimes it’s just easier to suppress that part of you rather than make a big deal about the fact that you’re a little different (different = not fitting in = NOT COOL). I get it. I’ve been through it. So listen when I say: don’t suppress it. Embrace it. Learn more about it. Talk about it. Teach others. And if anyone says stupid or ignorant things, then they’re really not worth your time. Some people will never stop being dickheads - I’m sorry to tell you that racism is still alive in 2020 - but it’s easier to deal with when you’re proud of who you are. And that’s contentment.
Other people really don't care much about your life, so do what makes you happy
Inspired by: “You Speak Well for a Black Girl” - Black is Who You Are
(written by Niellah Arboine)
Believe me when I tell you that everyone is too concerned about themselves - their looks, their lives, their social status - to worry about yours. So please, stop saying things and doing things that you think are going to impress other people, even though deep down you really want or believe something else. Because it’ll leave you hella hurt and annoyed at yourself, and it really, really is not that impressive. Seriously Chai, no one likes a drama queen. Chill out.
It’ll take you a while, but somewhere in your mid-twenties (which is NOT old by the way) you’ll stop worrying so much about what people think or what they’re doing (which is especially hard to do whilst you’re scrolling through Instagram). You’ll get bored of trying so hard for other people (that’s a good thing! - it helps you to realise who really matters) You’ll become happy and grateful for the people and the things you do have. But you will wish you hadn’t wasted so many years worrying about the others. It’s probably your biggest regret. It led to a lot of poor choices and broken friendships. But it’s not too late to fix once you do realise. And once you do, you’ll find peace - in life, and in yourself.
Life will never live up to your expectations… but you’ll learn to love what happens anyway
Inspired by: “The Uncool Girl’s Manifesto: How to Hang On in There”
(written by Grace Holliday)
Chaaya, you put a lot of pressure on yourself. You always have. Look this way, act that way, do this, do that… You’re a never-ending to-do list. And because of that, you’ve always put a lot of pressure on how you expect your life to play out as well. For plans to go perfectly, for sad things to be poetic or happy things to be ecstatic (you really believed life was like a Bollywood movie, huh?). You spend so much time thinking about and planning for tomorrow, that you actually forget to enjoy the day when it finally arrives.
The thing about life - and emotions - is that no matter how many lists you try to write, you can’t control it. Emotions aren’t neat and wrapped up in little bows. Life never happens the way you want or think it should. As much as it’s going to confuse you, and shake your world to hear this, there’s no rulebook for any of these things. Life is unpredictable and messy and there are blurred lines everywhere but… it’s wonderful all the same. That chaos is where the true magic happens. When you’re not expecting it, when you’ve given up, when you feel stuck or sad or lonely. That’s usually when something changes and whether you see that change as good or bad, it helps you to grow more than you probably realise. So enjoy it! It sounds SO cliche but it’s SO true. Don’t worry if the weather or the outfit or the plans aren’t perfect. Embrace it! You never know when life will change again (she says, as she writes this during Week 3 of quarantine amidst a global pandemic…)
So, if some Back to the Future / Thirteen Going on Thirty magic is happening here and younger Chaaya is reading this then hopefully it’s of some use to her. And if not, then at the very least she can get a good laugh in at how cringe I’m being right now.
And if you haven’t already then please check out gal-dem and the amazing work they’re doing to challenge our nation’s white-washed media representation as well as to empower and support the creative work of young women and non-binary people of colour. They truly are incredible.